At this very moment, I've finally understood just how much those hugs, kisses and words of encouragement must have meant to you. I'm sorry I wasn't there for you when you needed me most.
Monday, May 24, 2010
Twitter is just Facebook on crack. Really, it's just another platform for all us narcissists to indulge in our self-centredness. Which is exactly why I signed up for it. One week ago.
But I haven't posted one single tweet yet. That's because I just realised that it's all going to be about the same old things so why bother?
It's funny how Long Kuan and I always start waxing philosophical when we're tipsy. I don't think we were drunk, I think we just saw things from a different perspective under the influence of alcohol. Questions that we normally didn't think about, or didn't spend more than a couple of seconds musing over, just popped up. And we just answered them straight-on, without any side-stepping or beating around the bush. Probably was the booze that made us not give a shit anymore. And the night. It's really quite nice just sitting around under a blanket of darkness where everything else is quiet.
Of course, the next morning, which happens to be NOW, always turns out to be a bitch. When the effect of the alcohol has worn off and the stark realisation that everything which bothered you is still around and was just pushed away from the mind for one night sets in, you just feel like shit.
Long Kuan's solution is exceedingly simple - get more beer and chips. I'd second that actually but this time I'll throw in some hard liquor to mix.
Isn't it spiffy when you're the architect of your own regret?
Passion Run!
Did a 25 km run yesterday evening at East Coast Park. PASSION RUN! Not an easy run, the route wasn't easy but at the end of it all, it was satisfying really. completed the run in 2hr33min, pretty decent i feel, and my knees aren't aching too badly, unlike standard chartered marathon last time round, 42km was really a killer then. Dying to join another run some time soon. any interested parties to run together?? I also went for a crystal jade xlb buffet at holland v right after the marathon. Was practically feasting after the endurance run i had. Haha!
I picked up running actually only in JC2. At that point the time, my main motivation was to pass the dreaded NAPFA test. i was almost a whooping 80kg then, and i couldn't pull a single pull-up. i can't remember which PE Teacher it was (coz we changed too many) but he said i ll need to lose some mass to be able to do pullups, and best way's to start running. so i did just that and cut 15kilos to my current 65kg frame, eventually i passed my NAPFA and had a deduction of 2 mths of army to serve. But little did i expect myself to fall in love with running thereafter.
i looked forward to most of the PT runs i had during army days (except those way too early in the morning and those in heavy full combat gear). Obtained Gold standard for IPPT 2.4km run at 9min45s and subsequently joined outside runs like Army Half Marathon, StanChart Marathon, Passion Run.
running actually helps me calm down sometimes and forget a lot of my worries/troubles. some of you might find it hard to believe but i actually feel refreshed and happy after every run i have on Wednesdays weekly after work and that actually helps me last through the long tiring workweek.
And it's horrible monday again. so let us all pull a long face and start the week. Anyway, here's to the song i had on my MP3 when i crossed the 25km finishing mark on Saturday!
奔 by Stefanie Sun! She rock
~Mervin
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Hey there Delilah what's it like in New York City I'm a thousand miles away But girl tonight you look so pretty, yes you do Times Square can't shine as bright as you, I swear it's true
Hey there Delilah don't you worry about the distance I'm right there if you get lonely give this song another listen Close your eyes, listen to my voice it's my disguise I'm by your side
Oh it's what you do to me Oh it's what you do to me Oh it's what you do to me Oh it's what you do to me What you do to me
Hey there Delilah, I know times are getting hard But just believe me girl, someday I'll pay the bills with this guitar We'll have it good, we'll have the life we knew we would My word is good
Hey there Delilah, I've got so much left to say If every simple song I wrote to you Would take your breath away, I'd write it all Even more in love with me you'd fall, we'd have it all
Oh it's what you do to me Oh it's what you do to me Oh it's what you do to me Oh it's what you do to me
A thousand miles seems pretty far But they've got planes and trains and cars I'd walk to you if I had no other way Our friends would all make fun of us And we'll just laugh along because we know That none of them have felt this way
Delilah I can promise you That by the time that we get through The world will never ever be the same And you're to blame
Hey there Delilah You be good and don't you miss me Two more years and you'll be done with school And I'll be making history like I do
You'll know it's all because of you We can do whatever we want to Hey there Delilah here's to you This one's for you
Oh it's what you do to me Oh it's what you do to me Oh it's what you do to me Oh it's what you do to me What you do to me
You always felt better after listening to this song. I wonder if it was because my singing was so bad it made you laugh or because the song was really nice. I think it was both.
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
I know this wasn't what we wanted, I never thought it'd go this far. Just thinking back to when we started And how we became what we are.
I really ought to channel my energy to more useful things. Arghhhhhh.
Some days I miss you a lot; some days I miss you a little. It's not really a question of whether I do; it's more a question of how much.
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
The irony of love is loving the right person at the wrong time, loving the wrong person at the right time and finding out that you love someone right after that person has walked out of your life.
Most relationships tend to fail not because of the absence of love. Love was always present, just that one was loved too much and the other was loved too little.
Saturday, May 15, 2010
Brother Trouble
I just can't understand how is it that it is a fault of mine that he screwed up his CTs. So I am supposed to be devoid of all social life and report back home straight after work daily to tutor him, if not i am a darn selfish and irresponsible older brother! yes, those were the exact adjectives you used.
i am not that used to swearing but what the F*** is the logic behind this. i have my own life to lead, and he's responsible for that 7/30 he scored for Chem, not me??!! and if working from 9am-7pm and meeting up with friends for 2-3 hrs thereafter, means staying out everyday and treating home like hotel, i pity all working class people out there.
pardon me again.
f***
ok. now that i let it all out. thing is, i felt like shit for the past couple of days and had actually knowingly or unknowingly pissed some people off. so very sorry to whoever i ignored or irritated, even though i guess they won't be reading this apology. but at least i ll feel better after apologizing.
so anyone with similar sibling troubles? younger siblings in particular? i know phang calls his youngest brother "small bugger" hah!
sleep does wonders by the way. i slept all the way till 11.30. refreshed and ready to go. happy birthday to ming sing too, if you are gonna read this! i ll probably post another message on facebook later. no one reads blogs nowadays, but i guess it makes them more personal too. phang's suggesting a password for the blog so we might be having one soon... till further notice.
i am starting to like this addition to every blog post so here's the song that reflects my current mood.
王八蛋
enjoy.
~mervin
Thursday, May 13, 2010
These are the results of a personality quiz I did just now.
Openness This trait refers to the extent to which you prefer novelty versus convention. Approximately 31% of respondents have a lower openness raw percentage than yours. From the way you answered the questions, you seem to describe yourself as someone who dislikes needless complexity, and prefers the familiar over the unusual. You might say that you are more conservative than many, but not to an extreme level, and that you value practical outcomes over flighty imagination.
Conscientiousness This trait refers to the extent to which you prefer an organised, or a flexible, approach in life. Approximately 8% of respondents have a lower conscientiousness raw percentage than yours. From the way you answered the questions, you seem to describe yourself as someone who is impulsive and whimsical, and fine with it! From your responses it appears that you would say that sometimes decisions need to be made quickly, and that you make them quicker than most! You would say you are zany, colourful, and just generally great fun to be with... as long as someone isn't relying on you to get some work done.
Extraversion This trait refers to the extent to which you enjoy company, and seek excitement and stimulation. Approximately 11% of respondents have a lower extraversion raw percentage than yours. From the way you answered the questions, you seem to describe yourself as someone who is quiet and somewhat withdrawn. Your answers describe you as someone who doesn't need lots of other people around to have fun, and can sometimes find that people are tiring.
Agreeableness This trait refers to the way you express your opinions and manage relationships. Approximately 11% of respondents have a lower agreeableness raw percentage than yours. From the way you answered the questions, you seem to describe yourself as someone who is willing to make difficult decisions when necessary, and will point out when something is wrong no matter what other people might feel. Your responses suggest that you would say that you can be tough and uncompromising.
Neuroticism (Emotional stability) This trait refers to the way you cope with, and respond to, life's demands. Approximately 99.2% of respondents have a lower neuroticism raw percentage than yours. From the way you answered the questions, you seem to describe yourself as someone who tends to be more self-conscious than many. Based on your responses, you come across as someone who can find it hard to not get caught up by anxious or stressful situations. You might say that you are in touch with your own feelings.
These are the results of the personality quiz I did in February 10.
Openness This trait refers to the extent to which you prefer novelty versus convention. Approximately 16% of respondents have a lower openness raw percentage than yours. From the way you answered the questions, you seem to describe yourself as someone who is down-to-earth and prefers things to be simple and straightforwards. You might say that it just makes life easier if things don't change unnecessarily, that the arts are of no practical use to you, and that you think tradition is more important than others do.
Conscientiousness This trait refers to the extent to which you prefer an organised, or a flexible, approach in life. Approximately 16% of respondents have a lower conscientiousness raw percentage than yours. From the way you answered the questions, you seem to describe yourself as someone who is impulsive and whimsical, and fine with it! From your responses it appears that you would say that sometimes decisions need to be made quickly, and that you make them quicker than most! You would say you are zany, colourful, and just generally great fun to be with... as long as someone isn't relying on you to get some work done.
Extraversion This trait refers to the extent to which you enjoy company, and seek excitement and stimulation. Approximately 11% of respondents have a lower extraversion raw percentage than yours. From the way you answered the questions, you seem to describe yourself as someone who is quiet and somewhat withdrawn. Your answers describe you as someone who doesn't need lots of other people around to have fun, and can sometimes find that people are tiring.
Agreeableness This trait refers to the way you express your opinions and manage relationships. Approximately 8% of respondents have a lower agreeableness raw percentage than yours. From the way you answered the questions, you seem to describe yourself as someone who is willing to make difficult decisions when necessary, and will point out when something is wrong no matter what other people might feel. Your responses suggest that you would say that you can be tough and uncompromising.
Neuroticism (Emotional stability) This trait refers to the way you cope with, and respond to, life's demands. Approximately 95% of respondents have a lower neuroticism raw percentage than yours. From the way you answered the questions, you seem to describe yourself as someone who tends to be more self-conscious than many. Based on your responses, you come across as someone who can find it hard to not get caught up by anxious or stressful situations. You might say that you are in touch with your own feelings.
These are the results of the same quiz back in December 08.
Openness This trait refers to the extent to which you prefer novelty versus convention. Approximately 16% of respondents have a lower openness raw percentage than yours. From the way you answered the questions, you seem to describe yourself as someone who is down-to-earth and prefers things to be simple and straightforwards. You might say that it just makes life easier if things don't change unnecessarily, that the arts are of no practical use to you, and that you think tradition is more important than others do.
Conscientiousness This trait refers to the extent to which you prefer an organised, or a flexible, approach in life. Approximately 1.5% of respondents have a lower conscientiousness raw percentage than yours. From the way you answered the questions, you seem to describe yourself as someone who is impulsive and whimsical, and fine with it! From your responses it appears that you would say that sometimes decisions need to be made quickly, and that you make them quicker than most! You would say you are zany, colourful, and just generally great fun to be with... as long as someone isn't relying on you to get some work done.
Extraversion This trait refers to the extent to which you enjoy company, and seek excitement and stimulation. Approximately 24.2% of respondents have a lower extraversion raw percentage than yours. From the way you answered the questions, you seem to describe yourself as someone who prefers low-key social occasions, with a few close friends. You might say that it's not that you are afraid of large parties; they're just not that fun for you.
Agreeableness This trait refers to the way you express your opinions and manage relationships. Approximately 3.5% of respondents have a lower agreeableness raw percentage than yours. From the way you answered the questions, you seem to describe yourself as someone who is willing to make difficult decisions when necessary, and will point out when something is wrong no matter what other people might feel. Your responses suggest that you would say that you can be tough and uncompromising.
Emotional Stability This trait refers to the way you cope with, and respond to, life's demands. Approximately 94.5% of respondents have a lower neuroticism raw percentage than yours. From the way you answered the questions, you seem to describe yourself as someone who tends to be more self-conscious than many. Based on your responses, you come across as someone who can find it hard to not get caught up by anxious or stressful situations. You might say that you are in touch with your own feelings.
Finally something half decent to come out from our shores.
I'm just lambasting the English music scene; the chinese one is good.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Is compatibility a conscious choice or an invariable consequence?
This is not a rhetoric. I'm really curious to know what everyone thinks.
你走了太久一定很累 他错了不该你来面对 离开他就好就算了心情很干脆
他其实没有那么绝对 远一点你就看出真伪 离开他不等于你的世界会崩溃 转个弯你还能飞
就别再为他流泪 别再让他操控你的伤悲 就算有一点愚昧一点点后悔 也不要太狼狈
他不值得你的泪 把那遗憾留在大雨的街 你曾在迷失的旅途中盲目追 以后为自己醉 以后管他是谁
每段感情都非常珍贵 他的好你就放在心扉 记得有个人曾让你那样的心醉
你笑了照亮夜幕的黑 什么梦都不比你的美 多少年以后想起他还有些体会 那些你已无所谓
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Music
I promised phang that i ll blog about the jamming session i just had with my colleagues after work today. It was the first time for all of us, so all the instrumental parts were pretty screwy, and singing was quite novice. I couldnt hit most of the high notes, voice even cracked at quite a few, also missed a couple of song entries, but all in all it was a fun and high session for us that allowed us to destress after a long day at work. At the same time, we were bidding farewell to one of the fellow interns who was having her last day with the bank. After all, it has been a gd 1/2 yr at the bank together. Time really flies.
Work can be quite depressing at times, but i guess it's all about choice. Kinda like the half cup full half cup empty thing or optimism vs pessimism that phang mentioned in his previous post. We can choose to keep complaining and lamenting that job sucks, that pay's low, that working hours are freaking long, that crowded peak hour trains are irritating. On the other hand, we can choose to try find fulfilment from work (quite difficult to) or look forward to end of the day, where fun and laughter with friends and colleagues begins. Been working since Dec last yr and i guess i wouldnt have survived for so long, if not for the various after work activities that we (ie the group of interns) will plan from time to time. From badminton to weekly wednesday night city runs, from kbox-cum-drinking sessions, weekday night movies to jamming sessions.
The thing about choice is that it's important that we follow through with whatever choice we make with no regrets. Even if we have to drag our tired minds and bodies to run after work tomorrow, we complete the planned route. And reward ourselves with a Subway meal after the run.
I am looking forward to tomorrow night's run, even though it has gotten pretty routine, and cliche as it may sound, on to a healthier lifestyle and work-life balance!
I am definitely gonna miss this bunch of colleagues coz we had so much fun together. Most of their contracts complete at end-june while mine is only gonna end end-August, before i head to London. thinking of the extra 2 months at work w/o the group of them makes me depressed. oh well shall think about that only when the time comes.
Anyway i mentioned alanis morisette in my last blog post and i am feeling obliged to post one of her emo songs up. kinda fits the post-jamming-low mood that i am currently in. withdrawals symptons are kicking in, and my throat feels sore!
Uninvited (live -- brillant perf)
Mervin~
It's the choices we make that define who we are. And I think I made a huge mistake. Because if it was the right choice, why does it feel so wrong?
Fuck.
I realise I'm quite a difficult person to get along with. I suppose it was tough enough with all the meanness last time but it must be even worse now with all my mood swings. Since a picture speaks a thousand words, I might as well paint one now. Only I can't paint so I'll describe - I look like I just enlisted. So imagine the Phang of old without the wit and sarcasm and with plenty more reticence and depression. And nope, just in case any of you is wondering, I'm not trying to make myself out to be pitiful or vicitimised; it's just that this is my blog (well at least half of it is anyway) so it's my prerogative to write whatever I want to.
Perhaps you might wonder why I'm so pessimistic. Look on the bright side of life. For your information, the guy who sang that song committed suicide. Anyway, everyone is wired differently. Many things in life are relative. Without pessimists, there wouldn't be optimists. If everyone saw the world through rose-tinted glasses, we'd have to reset the benchmark for neutrality. A guy who's trapped in a cage with tigers and believes he'll get out alive wouldn't be considered optimistic. It would take a guy who is tied up with ropes and trapped in a cage with tigers and lions which hadn't eaten in days and surrounded by snipers who still believes he'll get out alive to be considered optimistic.
Don't get me wrong, I appreciate people telling me what I should do but knowing what should be done and doing what should be done is a completely different matter. Contrary to popular belief, I am fully aware that it is not possible to travel back in time, although my words and actions sometimes belie that fact. And yes I am fully cognisant of the fact that dwelling on the what if's won't change a thing and will do me more harm than good but somehow I still tend to engage in such hypothetical analyses with myself. I've come to the simple conclusion that I still have not accepted reality. Deep down, there's still this sliver of hope that the past 6 months didn't really happen :/ The dreams I've been having every night have only been serving to augment this stupid notion. Boy, this is certainly starting to sound like prime fodder for some psychological study.
Most of you wouldn't really have understood what happened then and wouldn't have known me well enough to put two and two together. So perhaps you've given up and now think that it's a better idea to let me wallow and languish in the mosh pit of sorrow that I dug for myself and I'll get out once I'm tired of it.
I feel that I owe a debt of gratitude to my friends, especially two of them. The comforting phone calls at ungodly hours of the night and beverage sessions which saw me mutter incoherent rubbish and break out into song were very much appreciated. That, on top of the innumerable occasions when I felt like absolute shit and your calls and messages made me feel better. I know it wasn't easy hearing me go on and on about the same old things (there are only so many ways I can ask the same old questions and phrase the same old feelings) but your resilience was admirable. I suppose all I wanted was a listening ear and I'm glad you had the patience to sit through it. And it wasn't exactly for a short period of time so I'm all the more grateful.
Maybe one day I'll look back on all this and reflect on what a dumb fuck I was for 6 months. For now though, I'm reflecting on what a dumb fuck I was for 3 weeks. I remember all the sacrifices you made for me; the memories are playing over and over in my head like a broken record player. Even though you didn't deserve all the bullshit I put you through, you still stuck by me because you believed. I miss you terribly. But I've no one to blame but myself really because I chose not to go back while the door was still open.
Here's some food for thought - "You never really get over someone; you just try to move on."
Sunday, May 09, 2010
It still feels like yesterday when we were still together. That's because I've been dreaming about you every single fucking night for the past week. And no, that's not figurative, that's literal.
Here's an interesting thought by the way. Being in a relationship is a little like smoking cigarettes. For the first couple of months, we get high. After a while, it just becomes part of our daily lives. And when we finally quit it, the withdrawal symptoms hit us like a freight train.
All right, now that I've got the mandatory emotional rant out of the way, we can move on to the crux of this post. Which ironically is about this whole thing.
"You definitely know it's time to stop brooding over your broken heart when you start to notice that your friends are ditching you (for some odd reason, analyzing the "break-up hug" for 3 hours a pop seems boring to them)". It's all right really, you can admit it hahaha I won't get mad.
Thank goodness for Mervin who's doing a great job of keeping the blog from degenerating into some platform for me to air my grouses and proclaim to the world that I have the emotional stability of a peanut. Anyway, I flipped through some of the older posts. Readership was still pretty high back in 2006 I believe. It seems eons ago when I was sarcastic, arrogant and basically a jackass. (I'm reminiscing, not beating myself down) I think most people don't read this blog anymore now though. Am half thinking of password encrypting it and giving out the passwords to people who want them.
-
been a long time since i went back to school. and man! i dun recognize it anymore. i wont say for the better or for the worse. school grounds were pretty barren when we first moved over in 06. i remember classrooms were still w/o aircon and teachers were practically shouting every lesson, trying to beat the noise from the fans and the ongoing construction somewhere nearby. but those were the memories that i would always have of my RJC days and it isnt something that can be changed. toilets have become nicer. hodge's lodge was quite pretty. canteen stalls all have stall names as opposed to stall 1 - 14 previously. nice biodiversity corner, with that waterfall and all the plants ard it. security has been enhanced.
but gone was the personal sense of belonging. it's like telling me right in the face, hey u dun belong anymore. Move on.
oh well. the RJ Chinese Orchestra room was unchanged though for one. and it was a fun afternoon where i met up with my section mates, some of whom i havent met in ages. tried to go through some of the concert pieces and was pretty shocked at the level of degeneration my cello skills have undergone after 2 years. they just ruin everything dun they. haha. oh well. but it was a fun gathering.
have been feeling a little hysterical this few days. it's just one of the moods that'll make a person feel happy or emo within a blink of the eye. sthg like PMS. so i guess this song fits my current state of mind.
but no. Not under influence of alcohol now phang!
星星堆滿天 by Faith Yang PEOPLE!
she has the Asian Alanis Morisette kinda voice. kinda cool. Enjoy!
~Mervin
Thursday, May 06, 2010
I had some free time today so I decided to go cycling.
I cycled the 75/184 - 74 route. I stopped for a while when I reached the place and and took a minute to look at the surroundings. The view of the compound from the vantage point that was the bus stop, the sheltered walkway to the MRT that was surrounded by green barricades and even the perennial crowd of white and blue all looked like they used to.
Something was different though.
And then it suddenly hit me that 3 weeks was a ridiculously long time.
On my way back home, one of my slippers gave way. The strap broke so I had to cycle back with one of my feet bare. It was not fun. Especially considering that my pedals have sharp ridges for better grip.
i know phang's quite into chinese ballads recently. so enjoy! n i am going to be so dead tired at work tmr. shld really try to get to sleep. night.
Monday, May 03, 2010
Mervin. Another monday
was dragging my feet to work coz it was a freaking monday even though i was running late. reached office at 9.02 am. did not help that trains were very packed, even w/o the usual students since today's a school holiday. Was cursing and swearing at the back of my head and THEN i heard this over the radio... this soothing song with simple guitar accompaniment by Wang Leehom, that tugged at my heartstrings and i just felt much calmer and relaxed. rest of the day at work was pretty still shitty
i switched on my laptop and started searching for that same song that was lingering in my mind. and i am like currently replaying it over n over now! Phang says that the song's depressing though, after i sent him the youtube link. reminded him of someone somewhere. oh well. here it is.
第一個清晨
光透进来 把梦刷白 舍不得你会醒过来 不要现在 昨夜走太快
说不上来 隐隐藏在胸口一块 吻你脸颊 证明此刻真的存在
是你 让我相信爱对我慷慨 是爱 我们是注定不是意外
这是爱 我们的爱 还不确定却好实在 把你贴在胸怀 静静的代替表白 才不愿放开
这是爱 给你的爱 没名字却停不下来 在忐忑里期待 雀跃中想到未来是你我才明白 这就是爱
beautiful... just made my horrible monday marginally better. to a better tuesday!
Sunday, May 02, 2010
You just had to do it, didn't you?
I know what I did was wrong but I believe I've more than paid my dues; I don't need an audit check from you. I did a good enough job the first time so there's really no need for you to come and break it all over again.
You might think you know what goes on in my head and heart but in actual fact, you don't. You know nothing.
Saturday, May 01, 2010
You shouldn't have done that. It might have meant nothing to you but it threw my mind into disarray.
Not then, an hour or even a day later but two days later. The lag time I experience when it comes to these matters really pisses me off sometimes.
